When We Have It
by myshipsaresunk
Summary: We have what we have when we have it. At his funeral, Natasha and the other Avengers reflect over Steve's life. IW Pt 2 AU.


**Disclaimer:** All rights belong to Disney, Marvel, and all the men and women that created _Avengers: Infinity War_. I take no credit, and I do not mean to break any copyright rules. This is simply a work of fiction made for enjoyment. No money is being made.

 **Rating:** K+

 **Author's Note:** IW Pt 2 AU. Based on the deleted scene from CA:CW where Natasha tells Steve about her parents. The Romanogers can be read romantically or platonically.

 **When We Have It**

"Steve once said, 'The price of freedom is high. And it's a price I'm willing to pay.'" Natasha grips the edges of the podium so tightly that the skin around her knuckles is white. She tries to ignore her surroundings, purposefully looking straight over people's heads at the clear sky or glancing down at the paper filled with the words it had taken her a week to write. "I don't think anyone who really knew Steve ever doubted that he meant every word."

She pauses to take a deep breath. "No one realized how high of a price that freedom would end up being. Except Steve. I spent most of the last five years of my life at his side, and I've known him since the Chitauri invasion in New York. He had the purest of souls, and the biggest of hearts. Steve could match wits with the best of them - and yes, I'm referring to Tony."

A scattered laughter made its way through the crowd, but it was a quiet, subdued laugh.

"He knew how to joke around when the tension needed to lighten up. He knew when to relax and when to be wary. He knew when to be serious, and if anyone was sad or upset about something, he always seemed to know. And he was the first person there to sit down with you and talk about it until you felt better.

"But in my years with him, I noticed something few other people did. Steve always carried a lingering sadness around. Although he smiled easily, he never laughed. Although he was there for anyone who was upset, he spent a lot of time alone. And although he was a great soldier, he used him downtime to sketch or to read or even just sit by the window listening to music. The more time I spent with him, the more I saw this sadness in his eyes."

Natasha swallows past the lump slowly growing in her throat. This is harder than she thought it would be. Speaking the words out loud is significantly more difficult than typing them.

"At first I attributed this sadness to him feeling out of place in the twenty first century. All his old friends and family had passed away or had grown old. Then, when it didn't get better with time and new friends, I decided it must be because of Peggy's deteriorating health. I constantly tried setting him up on dates, desperate to find something to preoccupy his mind, someone to be there for him. But he never got past a first date. After Peggy died, I figured that it must be worry over Bucky. But Bucky was on the path to healing in Wakanda and had finally found peace. So why was Steve still holding such a weight?"

She bites her lip, waiting for the ache in her chest to pass. It doesn't. She presses on despite the sharp pain.

"I didn't fully understand until his final moments. The weight Steve held wasn't grief over his missing first life. It was the knowledge that when he saw trouble, he couldn't turn his back, no matter how much he wanted to. It was the knowledge that one day his super soldier serum wouldn't be able to withstand the injuries he received. It was knowing that he would lay his life on the line without hesitation - and not just for the world, not just for the ones he loved, but for anyone."

She loosens her hold on the podium to turn the page of her speech.

"Some of you may already know this story, but I'm going to tell it again. When Steve was at bootcamp, pre-serum, one of the captains threw a grenade on the ground. Without thinking Steve threw himself on the grenade while the rest of the recruits ran the opposite direction. Those recruits had taunted Steve for his size, had pushed him around, made fun of him. He still was willing to shield them from harm at the cost of his life."

Natasha finally draws the courage to look at faces in the crowd. In the front seat she sees the Avengers who had known Steve the best - Tony, Banner, Thor, Barton, Sam, Rhodey, Wanda, Vision, Bucky, and T'Challa. Next to them sit Nick Fury and Maria Hill. In the second row are all the others, the ones who had briefly met Steve, the ones who knew him as Captain America the leader, not Steve Rogers, the tired but devout defender.

"Steve's chosen weapon was a shield, and it fits him perfectly. He didn't like to hurt people, but he would if they were hurting others. I remember in the Battle of New York when Steve first led us his number one priority was evacuating the city, not fighting Loki. He personally directed the police officers and would stop to help pick a person up who had fallen or take a shot aimed for a civilian. In Sokovia he did the same. Steve's focus was never glory in defeating the bad guy. It was always looking out for the little person, saving as many lives as he could."

In the front row, Natasha sees Bucky smile sadly.

"In Sokovia, before reinforcements helped us to defeat Ultron, there were a few moments where we didn't think we could win and survive. Steve and I stood on the rubble of an old apartment building and looked out over the earth beneath us. We could barely see through the cloud cover. I told him that I didn't think we were going to make it out alive. He just looked at me with that sad look in his eyes. Now I realize that how I felt in that moment is how Steve felt every moment of his life - he never went into a fight expecting to survive. He was always prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice, even if only for one person.

"For Steve Rogers, sacrifice was like breathing - it was natural, it was necessary, and he did it without thinking. And he knew it. That's why he never settled down, why he didn't go one dates, why he kept few friends. He was trying to save us all from hurting when he eventually, inevitably, died."

Tony reaches into his pocket, pulls out a pair of darkly tinted sunglasses, and covers his red-rimmed eyes. Bucky stares at his hands, folded neatly in his lap. Sam nods slightly, as if he had subconsciously known but had never quite figured out the words to describe it. Thor shamelessly wipes away a tear. In the second row, Peter Parker stares wide-eyed at picture of Steve, perhaps realizing for the first time how alike he is to the old soldier.

Natasha forges on. "Steve only ever did one selfish thing in his life. He stood up for what he believed in. I believe he learned that trait from Peggy Carter. When the Sokovian Accords were released, he did his best to try and compromise with the team, to try and talk things out. He actually sat down and read the entire book. But he simply couldn't agree with what they were asking him to do - and honestly, no one can really blame him. Steve Rogers crashed a plane full of bombs into an iceberg to save New York, and when he wakes up seventy years later he's immediately thrown into a war and told he's in charge of a group of explosive, enhanced strangers. Steve did everything that was asked of him - but when the government took away his choice to save people, he couldn't stay submission any longer. And when they were prepared to kill or at least imprison his best friend without a trial, he had to fight back.

"America was founded on the basis of equal opportunity, of fairness in the law, of innocence until proven guilty, right to a fair trial, and, most importantly, of standing up and protesting when the powers that be try to govern the people instead of the people controlling the government. And yet, when Steve did this, he was considered a criminal, his friends locked up in an illegal prison without a trial, and he was sent on the run. Steve Rogers gave his life, his future, and his freedom for this country and for the world, and over and over again he was criticized. And despite it all, he would have sacrificed his life for anyone in a heartbeat."

Natasha turns to the last page. _Almost done_ , she tells herself. _Just a few more words. For Steve._

"Sometimes I like to think about what Steve would have done if he had been born in a time of peace, if he had never become a super soldier. I imagine he would have been a quiet sketch artist living in a small studio apartment in Brooklyn. He would have a dog, probably a golden retriever, and a small but reliable group of friends. He would sit on a bench in Central Park and draw the people passing by. It would be a quiet, unassuming life, and he would be happy."

The mental image brings tears to her eyes, and she blinks them away, inwardly cursing herself.

"The real tragedy in Steve's life is not that he gave his life protecting humanity, not even that he died at the age of thirty - no, the real tragedy in his life is that he was never truly happy. Whenever we needed him, he was right there for us. But we were never there for him - at least, not enough. And Steve was so selfless that he never once complained, never once failed to be there for us."

Natasha gathers up her papers and walks off the church stage. Every step of her heels against the hardwood floors echoes in the silence.

The other speakers come and go, Sam and Rhodey and Thor recounting old memories and sharing their perspectives on his life. Bucky doesn't speak because he doesn't feel he has a place to, even though he was Steve's oldest friend. Tony doesn't speak because he feels guilty for not being able to save him. But there was nothing he could do. Nothing anyone could do. Steve had made the choice to sacrifice his life the moment he picked his very first fight with a bully in an alley in Brooklyn. It was just who he was.

The procession moves outside. Bucky, Sam, Tony, and Thor are the casket bearers. They're the closest thing Steve has to family.

Natasha remembers one night when they were on the run. They had completed an undercover mission with no injuries to themselves, no civilian casualties, and minimum property damage. As a bonus, they were in and out so quickly that they didn't even have to escape from the authorities. Natasha had thought the night was cause for celebration, but Steve had seemed even more quiet than normal.

"It's my mother's birthday today," he said, sitting down in the living space of their small apartment in eastern europe.

Natasha had taken a seat across from him. "You don't talk about her often."

He nodded. "My memories before the serum are hazy. The serum enhanced my brain as well as my body. The ones I remember the clearest are of the weeks and months before. That was after she died."

"How did she die?"

"She was always sick. Not as bad as I was, but she was older and eventually it took its toll on her. She just...faded away." Steve looked down at his hands. The ever-present sadness in his eyes seemed worse than normal.

Natasha set a hand on his. "What was she like?"

"She was strong. Stronger than I am. She never hesitated to sacrifice a meal so that I could eat, or a blanket so that I could stay warm, or hours of sleep so that I had someone watching over me. She never complained, though we had a lot to complain about." Steve swallowed. "Her name was Sarah. I don't even remember what year she was born, though. Or what her middle name was."

Natasha smiled. "She sounds a lot like you."

"I worry that because I don't remember her, I'm not as good as a person as she."

 _You are,_ Natasha wanted to say. _You're the best person I know_. But she also knows those words won't make him feel any better. Instead she tells him a story of her own, one she hasn't told anyone else before.

"I went back to Russia and tried to find my parents. Two little gravestones by a chain link fence. We have what we have when we have it."

He flipped his hand under hers over and squeezed her hand gently. She smiled humorlessly.

Now, standing here and watching the solid oak casket being lifted into the group, Natasha fully realizes the depth of her words.

Pepper walks over towards her, carrying a bouquet of white and red roses. She offers it to her. "You were his best friend. We want you to lay the first one."

Natasha picks out a white rose and makes her way to the grave. Her high heels sink slightly in the soft ground. It had rained last night. Today, it's sunny and bright and warm.

She crouches down and gently drops the flower on top of the casket. Part of her still can't believe this is real. She's going to go back to her apartment and Steve is going to be there, asking where she wants to move next.

She stands and returns to the circle of people. Bucky drops the next flower, then Sam, then Tony and Rhodey and Barton and Banner and on and on until everyone has left one for the fallen captain. Then Wanda steps forward and uses her telekinesis to fill the grave in with dirt. After that, everyone starts drifting off in groups of twos and threes.

Sam walks up to her when only a handful of people remain. "We're going out for a drink," he says, motioning to the other Avengers that are still around. "You're free to join us."

She smiles tightly. "I think I'm going to stay here for a little longer."

He nods. "I thought you'd say that." He sets a hand on her shoulder and grasps it tightly before walking off with Bucky. That's the thing that makes Natasha realize how real today is: Bucky and Sam are actually getting along. No fights, no glares, no rude gestures.

"I take it you never told him," Tony says, appearing at her side. He's still wearing his dark sunglasses.

"Told him what?"

"I guess talking about your feelings isn't your strong suit." Tony shrugs. "Anyway, that was a nice eulogy you wrote. Even got me a little teary-eyed."

"You should have spoke." She looks over at him. He continues to stare at the mound of freshly laid dirt.

"Nah. I'm not good with words. Not good with feelings, either. That's why I never called him, even though I carried that stone age phone with me around for three years. I just couldn't swallow my pride."

"What happened isn't your fault."

"Isn't it, though?" Tony clears his throat. "Cap always preached teamwork. I liked doing things my way. My way split up the Avengers, caused catastrophic damage, and made a war criminal out of America's Golden Boy. And when the world needed us most, we were separated."

"If you knew what the Sokovian Accords was going to do to the Avengers, you wouldn't have signed it."

"Maybe. But I didn't even ask for his input before pushing it through the UN. If he had supported it, everyone would have followed suit." Tony shakes his head. "I knew Steve. I grew up hearing every story about him. I knew him better than anyone else and I ignored his fundamental traits because I felt I was right."

"Steve wasn't mad at you anymore," Natasha assures him. "When he sent that letter, he meant what he said. He realized he should have told you the truth about your parents. He realized that his actions to defend Bucky must have looked like betrayal to you. He felt bad about how he handled the situation. He forgave you."

Tony swipes at something under his glasses. "Yeah. I did, too. Barnes was brainwashed. It wasn't really him. I guess I never really let go of my bitterness about what happened. Twenty years is a long time for anger to simmer."

She looks over the inventor sadly. "Steve always considered you a close friend, even after what happened. He always trusted you."

"Yeah, well, I guess we should have both been more honest. Because now it's too late to make amends." Tony takes a deep breath. "I have to go. Pepper and the kid are waiting for me. If you need anything, just let me know."

"Same, Tony."

Natasha watches him walk away. She'd never been a big fan of the billionaire, but she's come to respect him. Despite his outside appearances, he really does care. And despite his words, he really does suffer.

The next person to stop by is Barton. He's alone today, Laura not wanting to bring baby Nathaniel to the service. Natasha has only ever seen him so dressed up on missions. His navy blue tie has a silver arrow tie clip pierced through it.

"It's been a hell of a week, hasn't it?" Clint asks, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"I think this is the first time I can't say that I've seen worse," Natasha remarks wryly. "Sokovia was a cakewalk compared to this week."

"And to think we used to consider Budapest the standard for terrible." He laughs softly to himself. "We've come a long way."

"Regret coming back out of retirement?" She glances over at him, smirking.

"I don't really think I can even call it retirement, the amount of times I've been dragged back out. And I still don't understand why you guys keep begging me to come back. I'm just a guy with dark age weaponry, caffeine addiction, and sleep deficiency."

"You're our best recruiter. And if it wasn't for you, we would have lost Wanda in Sokovia. You know how fragile she was after that." Natasha glances back at the girl, standing with Pietro. Other than the fact that they had defeated Thanos and reversed the snap, there weren't many positive things to come out of the battle. Using the Time Stone to bring Pietro back happened to be one of the few.

Of course, they had still lost Vision. His memorial service had been private, conducted behind the Avengers building. Tony, Bruce, Thor, Barton, Nat, Wanda, Rhodey and Pietro had been the only ones in attendance. And, of course, Loki had also been lost. The Avengers hadn't particularly cared to hear about his death, but Thor had insisted that he had died a hero, that he had saved Asgard from Hela (which is a completely different story).

"She's a good kid. So is Pietro." Barton follows her gaze. "Nat, you should come back to the farm with me. Laura has been asking, and the kids are dying to see you."

Natasha stares down at the ground. She knows she shouldn't be alone. She hasn't been alone in years. Steve has always been there for her. After Banner had flew off in a quinjet, Steve had been the first to give her something else to think about. Even when she sided with Tony in Civil War, Steve had reached out and found her after breaking the others out of the Raft. For the first time in her life, he's not there to reach out to her.

 _We have what we have when we have it._

"Alright," she agrees. "Just give me a few more minutes."

Clint nods. He touches her arm lightly before heading over to Wanda and Pietro.

Natasha crouches down and traces the carved words on the gravestone. _Steven Grant Rogers. 1918-2019. Not a perfect soldier, but a good man._

Below the words is a likeness of his shield, the star carved the deepest. Two plastic baskets are stabbed into the ground on either side of the small gravestone, each holding a bouquet of flowers. Natasha feels the petals with her thumb and forefinger. Everything is so simple. She knows Steve would approve.

The words she'd shared at the service had been true, had been from her heart. But they'd also been for the people in attendance. Now is her chance to share what she wished she could say to Steve. What she wished she would have said to Steve.

"I never thanked you for everything you did for me. You forgave me for lying to you, trusted me even though I have never done anything to deserve that trust, and befriended me even though I told you you were in the wrong business. You gave me a second chance - and you made me realize that I didn't need covers, didn't need aliases. You helped me wipe out the red in my ledger. I can't thank you enough for that."

She drops her hand and picks absently at the grass. "You understood that we had different views on life and you never criticized me for mine. You knew when I was hurting, even when I didn't. You gave me a purpose in life. The single greatest honor in my life has been serving at your side."

Natasha sighs. "The truth is, I grew to love you. How much? I have no idea. Most of the time I denied the feelings. But I just thought you should know. I'm tired of lying."

She stands, brushing off her dress. "Thank you for being my best friend."

Natasha gives the grave one last look before finding Clint and the Maximoff twins. Steve's life may be over, but hers isn't. If there's one thing Steve taught her, it's to always walk it off. Bad things happen in life. Steve lost his best friend, his life, and when Fury called him to fight again, he answered. Natasha has to do the same now.

We have what we have when we have it. Natasha had Steve. Now she doesn't. But life goes on.


End file.
